Indulge me and hit play; listen while you read this post. The video doesn’t matter, of course, but the song does.
Looking back on anything always proves the old adage about hindsight being, well, perfect. I hear some of my single-for-now (not just single, because it’s only a matter of time) friends talk about their current Prospects, and I have to measure my words as to not sound preachy and like one of those annoying old ladies who swears she knows it all. All I can do is speak my heart trying not to sound like…the old lady.
In an effort to keep this about me and not “those poor single girls desperately clawing away at their biological clock,” I am going to share advice to yours truly. Looking back on my many years of single-for-now-ness, I wish I knew then what I know now.
- The cheesy book The Rules still sells even decades after it was written because the advice, while seemingly outdated, is as fresh as just-churned milk. (Mmmm, does anyone have a pet cow?) The main idea, to use teacher talk, remains: Love yourself. Act as if. Don’t let any man intimidate you because he’s “better” than you, because he just isn’t, and I don’t even need to know the details. He just isn’t.
- Don’t let a guy use you. Ever. Even when, “I’m okay with this because it’s what I want, too.” Yeah…right.
- Don’t settle for the guy who’s around, who’s just paying attention to you. If your heart doesn’t flutter when you’re around him, if you don’t look forward to his calls (NOT JUST TEXTS, PEOPLE! NOT JUST TEXTS!), if you don’t feel excited while kissing him…m o v e o n. Walk away. Say bye. Or don’t, just move on.
- When you really, really, really like a guy, but it’s only just The Beginning, force yourself to pretend he is the most annoying and pimply guy you’ve ever laid eyes on. No, don’t vomit on his shoes, but just act like he’s that annoying guy who just doesn’t get it. We’ve all been pursued by Just Doesn’t Get It, and we’ve all rolled our eyes when any text, message, email or even glance is directed at us by JDGI. The problem is when we really like someone, we go cray-cray. We get needy. We get demanding, even. Heck, I know I’ve been. ::que pena:: No. When Hotty McHotterson picks up on the I-could-care-less-about-you vibes, Hotty wants you like you’re the last Coca-Cola in the Sahari. It’s just the way it is. Men are hunters by nature. Dogs, really. So you can’t put the meat on a stick and roast it over an open fire, for the love of Buttercream Cupcakes. You gotta run, you gotta hide, you gotta go go go.
- When you do meet Hotty McHotterson, and you follow steps one through four consistently, certainly be yourself. I’m not advocating taking on the personality of the whitest shade of Sherwin-Williams. Lose the cray, though. This isn’t deception, it’s just survival of the fittest. Who flaunts their flaws? Something tells me Darwin’s best subjects didn’t.
Dearest Single-for-Now Elizabeth: When you look in the mirror, whether you are wearing PJ pants and a T-shirt from the eighties or wearing the Best Dress Of Your Life, know this: You are amazinglyfantabulouslyspecial. And if ________ doesn’t think so, NEXT! Accentuate the positive. Don’t wear horizontal stripes. Put your hair in a bun when you’re washing your face…and only when you’re washing your face. Use concealer, sunscreen, and shiny lip gloss with SPF. And throw on the highest and hottest pair of heels in your closet, sister!